Psichology - why people get in the wrong marriage?

The year that just passed, brought to my attention, what I realised to be a new world: the world of 30+ people.

For the sake of this post, I do not want to enter in the topic of how people change when they reach the "dangerous threshold" of their 30s (especially women...man just become a much nastier or much better version of themselves at 25)...that would take too long and would require some long analysis since the changes are deep but usually shallow rooted and mix problems projected from the past with anxiety about the future (that is: what am I doing for my future? Do I want to have a family or not? The person I am with is the right one? If I do not have somoeone am I going to be alone? Where do I want to live, long term? All of these projected through lens of past experiences..)

What I am interested in here, is just to summarize some conversations around the hot topic of getting married...that is hot of course, for those around 30 (if it was hot for you earlier than this, than probably I do not know my readers as much as I would... :) )

So let's see...in general it looks like that more people than a naive FDB would have ever thought, get in the wrong marriage. Reasons can be multiple. Outcomes are the same. Reactions to that may vary largely.

in terms of reasons for trouble, it looks like that the two most important are: married too early or marry for convention.

Matter is that as long as you live in a stable, non changing environment (same city, same job, same routine) the problem is realtively small, since you might consider that you got the best fit for you around even if such fit is not sufficient. This usually leads to boredom but has little consequences apart from a deteriorating relationship in the future, since choosing from a small sample often results in a bad choice and therefore in a bad marriage. But in such environments, the alternative is loneliness and peer pressure - and easiness of life - can drive you there no matter what…

The problem of getting married early becomes disastrous instead if you live in a changing environment, especially if changes are radical. The example of the MBA I lived through is enlightening to the point that someone (not even a student but my marketing professor) dubbed MBA as "Married But Available". Consequences for that are bad for both people in the couple: the one exposed to change, would take advantage of it, to experience what he/she (more often she) did not do before because of the wedding. That would be enjoyable in the beginning, but disastrous after; guilt, emptiness and a sense of "what the fuck did I do to marry that person" will ease in fast. And in a particular abrupt fashion if the change is temporary. The other person instead, not only would be betrayed, but will also find himself with someone who will start to act crazily, out of frustration and would have lost his partner, probably altogether. Quite a screw-up, despite any effort one can do to cover that up...

Marriage for convention is another total disaster…people (mothers, especially) pressure you to do that and when you finally decide to capitulate, than you marry the first person you have at hand…and well, you can imagine how foolish this is. Monstrously high levels of frustration will rise very fast, and existence would drag on quite…miserably, for both…to result either in divorce or long years of slow suffering each other…

This said, what's the message? Well it is quite simple…

- If you are in a serious relationship and you are approaching the fatal threshold, take 5 minutes to look yourself in the mirror…and ask "Is the person I am with feasible for long term? Do I have the relationship that I want? How often do I desire other partners (not only sexually)? Did I ever had a better boyfriend/girlfriend than the current one? Can I be myself without having to hide parts of my character or fight continuously?"

If your answers make you feel confident that you can hold 30 years with that person (at 60, I imagine the willingness to pursue other roads to be reduced…) stick with that person, run to hug him/her, and forget totally about the flaws you can find…all people are imperfect. Bathe in the good things and forget the rest!

But if your answers are not so good…if you have a nagging feeling that you might prefer working rather than going home to your partner in the future…if you think you cannot stand him/her more often than not…make yourself and the other person a favor: stop hiding. Face the truth. Spare yourself and your partner years of frustration. Let the relationship end, and sail the sea to find a new port. Decide what you want in a person, what you cannot stand, what would be nice to have and what nice NOT to have…and set sail.

The tides are high, and the ocean is crawling with pirates (just plain wrong people) and mermaids (those evil creatures who are so fantastic, so amzing so wonderful but have a really bad drawback: being either crazy or too egocentric or workaholic or violent or….already married!) But if...if…by an accident of fortune, or something else, you end up finding THE ONE…well…it will feel too good to be true, but it will be. Trust me on that ;)

"To the person who does not know where he wants to go there is no favorable wind.”
— Seneca